Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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