The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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