Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
