Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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