I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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