I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
