Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
