Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
