Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
