I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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