Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
