How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
