I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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