yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
