They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
