I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
