Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
