sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
