just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
