i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
