By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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