he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
