there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
