While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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