I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
