I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
