The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
