im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
