So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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