remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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