I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
