mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just tell him i said nine months
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
