Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
