That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
