i already hear my dad disowning me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There's always time for handjobs
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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