I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
