i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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