Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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