Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i dont even know how to be here
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
