No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
