yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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