Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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