Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
