So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
