Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
