the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
