At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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