Umm I'm too high to move.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
