Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
