dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize