I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
