i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I enjoy the company of your penis
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
