I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
