just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize