Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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