I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
