So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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