New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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