i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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