hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
