And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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